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If You Love Me At All... Don't Call.

When you're on, I swear you're on.

You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.

I think the whole room can hear me clear my throat.

You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.

If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.

If you love me at all, don't call.

Then out of nowhere, put me right back there.

Rip my heart out, you rip my heart right out.

And we know what happens when we get to your house.

Rip my heart out, you'll rip my heart right out.

If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, please don't, tell me now.

If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.

If you love me at all, don't call.

I throw away everything I've written you.
Oh anything just keep my mind off of it, thinking how I had you once.
No, I can't forget that.
Sometimes I wish I could lose you again.

You're winning me over with everything you say.

You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.

When I let you closer, I only want you closer.

You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.

If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, please don't, tell me now.

Yeah, if you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.

If you love me at all, don't call.


If you love me at all..

To My Annabel Lee.

I sit in my brothers house, and for some reason, it's hardest here. I think of those silly times, sleeping on an air mattress two sizes two small for just me, and how you and I would just deal with it, because we were together, and nothing mattered when that was the case.

I think a huge part of me... is past everything. A lot of me, understands that I wasn't a problem. it wasn't my fault. I wasn't the reason you left me. You met someone, and got scared to tell me, so you thought it best to go the way you did, and try to avoid the heartbreak.


But I think the one thing you will never quite grasp... the one thing that you have no iota of knowledge about... is that I'm still here. I think... in a lot of ways, you met another man... and you're happy with him. I don't even know if you're still with him, or whatever. I don't know if you're married, pregnant, or completely forgot about me. One thing I know for sure is, you do not think of me as I do of you, every single day of my life.
However... I think a lot of it had to do with punishing yourself. And I do think... you don't realize how much you punished me.


Through these months.... I've gone through a lot of emotions. I've felt the hate, and the fear, and the emptiness that comes along with every single bit of losing you. I've felt joy and sorrow, I've met other girls, I've seen other instances of my life turn into things that were beyond my comprehension of what "happy" truly could mean.



But through all of this... through the hating of myself, and finding myself again... one thing remains constant. I still love you.



Many people have told me, it will never end. That until the day I die, I will always be in love with you. The day I meet another woman, and get married and have a family, I will still be in love with you. The day I breathe my last breath on this earth... I will still be in love with you.



I don't know exactly how I will live with this. But I do know, I will live. And I do know, if the day ever comes where you decide to walk back into my life, and give me the honor, and privilege of loving you, forever my beautiful wife, again, that all of this will have been worth it.


And if in fact that day never comes. If I spend the rest of my life, without another word from your beautiful voice.... Or get to hear your contagious laugh... or stare at your beautiful eyes...


It will still be a life well lived.


Because for myself... I met my soulmate. I met the girl, that meant everything in the world to me, and meant life itself. To me, my life already ended on December 16th, 2009. But the life lived up to that point, was the most beautiful thing I had ever experienced.



I will always and forever love you, Lindsay Dallas Gareau.



Never, ever forget that.
4 days before my birthday. and 8 months since I've been happy.


I lost... everything that I needed in life, over 8 months ago. Everything that made me happy. My entire life.


And I'm not even a thought on her mind.  


I should hate you. I should have hated you months ago. Treating me like garbage, leaving me for someone else. Throwing me away, like I treated you bad. 


I should hate you with every, single fiber of my being. And yet... I still can't. 


Honestly? I know you never gave a shit about me. I was your rebound, until you found what you wanted. You have no guts, no self respect... and most of all no loyalty. I know in the end... my life will be much happier than yours, because at least I can keep my word. But you? You're weak, scared, and a coward. I'm the loser for still being like this, so many months later. Through doctors and sickness and all of it, you were still the only thing on my mind. And everyday, I'm crushed all over again, with the thought that the one that I would give the world, and my soul to, hates me. 


Yet, I still love you. With everything I've got.


If I have one wish for my birthday, it's to have you erased. Even the memory of you, haunts me every single day, in everything I do. That's the scar you left on me. Thats the chip I'll wear on my shoulder for the rest of my life. And through all of it? I'd still take you back.

I'd still give everything I could to you, the undeserving one. 


I guess that makes me the pathetic one, huh? 

My Curtain Call.

It's Been weeks, months since I last heard your beautiful voice. Everyday, as I try to go on through life, through things that I handle all the time, a bigger piece of me dies.


I took all the necessary steps on the road to recovery. I went out with my friends. I even went out with a few girls. That didn't work.

So I took myself to the doctor. I got pills. I saw a shrink for a solid month. That didn't work.

Everyone around me tells me... that I want to be miserable. That I want to feel this way, and you leaving me justifies all of it.


All the days that go by... try as I might, even when a day goes by that you don't roll through my head, sleep comes. And sleep brings you to me, to break my heart, and step on my soul all over again.


I'm nothing but a sad, forgotten memory to you. Some people said you were scared, that you're not a grown up, that you weren't ready to be serious with someone, so you ran, as fast as you could, and did everything you could to get over me, everything being another guy. You ran, and people called you a coward. People called you a Child.


Some people said that you didn't deserve me, including yourself. That I deserved better than you.

Some people said Karma would come back to you. That you'd fall in love, and you'd get hurt, and feel the same pain I felt.

I never agreed with them. Never not once, did I ever say "she doesn't deserve me". Because I never believed it. You were the greatest thing to ever happen to me in my entire existence. How could the one person that I thought was the most amazing person in my life burn me so bad? Why do I deserve this. I hope Karma never comes back to you, because I never want you, or anyone else to feel even one ounce of this pain that I feel.


But you don't care, and I'm a fool to ever believe you'll see how much I honestly love you. Or that maybe, the tiniest bit of you still cares about me enough to think about me, when you see new york, or something is referenced and you think about me.



I am a fool. I'm a fool to believe. and have this much love left for someone who doesn't care one ounce about me.


The same way you left Rich, you left me. The difference was I didn't do anything to deserve it.


But you don't care... and I still love you. I still ache for you.


Melodramatic? Maybe. but it's not like you honestly care.


You didn't just shatter my belief in you, or love. You shattered my entire existence, and I don't think you actually realize that. You tarnished my belief in human beings, in society, in good hearted people, in everything.


So this is my goodbye to you, even though you, nor anyone else will ever read it. This is my goodbye to everyone who ever loved me, and for whom anyone I ever loved.


I can't do this. I really can't. I'm weak, and I have nothing left to give. Not one shred of me is left that says "this will get better".


I'm sorry (I know that was your least favorite thing out of me) that I did all of this, for you. I'm sorry I went to Pharm Tech school, just for the chance to be with you. I'm sorry that I gave everything I possibly could, for someone who doesnt care one bit about me.

I'm sorry that I still love you, because if I could travel back in time, I would've never gotten involved.


But here I am. Feeling sorry for myself. Feeling sorry for the life we could have had.

Feeling sorry for what I have to do to end this pain.


I'm Sorry.

so...

I never left. we know this.


I got prescribed Cymbalta.


Should I feel nuts yet?



Bus tickets not used... plane tickets not used... never getting the guts up to just face up to what the fuck is exactly going on.



But it's done, so why even bother. I'm not worth the fucking time to you.



Pills not taken. Chances not taken.



You didnt even give me the fucking time of day.


Everyone says I should hate you. Fuck, even you yourself are confused as to why i didnt tear into you like youve never been torn.



I will NEVER do that. I am not some fucking scumbag who will EVER do that to someone they love, no matter the circumstances.



Be confused.... wonder why I didnt tear into you.


The answer is simple: Because I really fucking loved you, and really love you now.



If ever the night gets darker, or the day just has no shine to it, know that I will always be here for you, because I am forever yours.



You want me to believe this is the type of person you are? that you are some fucking scumbag? Then prove it.


Otherwise, know this, always: I am your property, mind, heart, and soul.


I will never give up.

The Last Entry.

My Bus Leaves at 4 pm, From the last place I saw her, Grand Central Terminal.


I will stop and look at the gate she took home, missing her every step of the way, but I am forever out of her life, she feels nothing for me.


I read something today that.... summed my feelings up. I wish to post it here.



"Once upon a time, a long time ago, I fell in love. And there was laughing and funny breaths and happiness. There was much rejoicing. And then, SHUT! Over. Gone. Dead. Completely cut off. Disconnected. The taste still fresh in my mouth. The smell still on my skin. The feeling left in my fingertips. But I can't get that feeling back. I may spend my entire life trying to get back into that Polaroid. Fighting all the way. The best thing I have ever known. Even now, years later, anytime I come close to it I want to dive in. Sink or swim. I don't care. I would give anything to be even in the room next to it. Across the street. A breath away. Remembering what I never let myself forget. Looking someone in the eye and knowing; another time, another place, it is right there. In front of me. Within reach. Just open my fingers and wrap them around it. Hold it tightly. And never let it go. Never. Never. I fought. I fought hard. But only with myself. Sometimes I wonder if I should have fought harder. With her. With it. Tried to work it out. It all made sense for about fifteen seconds. Just enough time to say, ?You're right.? What the hell was I thinking. Why didn't I say . . . . something. My line of thinking was ?if she doesn't want it, I don't want to push it.? Why try to keep her where she doesn't want to be? But she did want to be there. She had to. She was happy. There were nights I cried. When we were together and then I took her home and on the way home I cried. Not because I was sad, or even missed her already, but because I was happy. So happy I couldn't contain myself. I talked to God. Whether I believed in him or not. And I said thank you. Over and over. Again and again. I couldn't believe it was real. That I could actually touch her. Kiss her. Look into her perfect green eyes and see myself. But I could. I had seen her before. IN the coffee shop. And I said to myself ?I would give up everything if she would even turn my way.? She was light years beyond me. Another plane. Another class. Confident, beautiful, at peace. So sure. Not for me. I couldn't even dream it. No way could I ever make it real. Did she feel what I felt? I have to believe she did. If I didn't it would be so hard to breathe. So hard to get up in the morning. So hard to be. No one will be her. No one will have those green eyes. No one will have that one lock of hair hiding all her secrets. And no one, ever again (shudder) will make me whole. Not like that. I'm scared. I'm so scared. What if it is real? What if never? What if I'm right? Do you ever wonder, do you ever ask yourself, ?can I live without love?? Can I open my eyes? I'm afraid to. There is a feeling. You know it. This trembling completeness. This warmth. That makes everything big. And you are ten feet tall all the time. Everyone is looking at you. You are the one. The one she chose. The one she calls when everything is wrong, and when everything is right! She is the one who reaches out for you. For me. She once said ? I need you.? I was done. That was what I was looking for all my life. Those words. For something so pure as this creature to need ME! Could not be real. Could not be my life. But it was. Of course, it WAS! It isn't anymore. It is gone. So far away. And it will never be there again. I see little pieces of it everywhere. A glance, a smile, a touch. I feel desperate. I feel alone. So much out there. But I only want to hear one thing. Not sure what. But I will know. If I ever get the chance. I will stretch out my fingers, grasp it tightly, and NEVER LET IT GO! But till then; I will be here. With my open hand. And my desperate heart. And my cold skin. Slowly, regrettably, forgetting just enough that I can survive from one day to the next. To remember is to suffer. To see what was and then look at what is. To hear a voice, feel my heart stop. Watch my breath studder in the cold. She. She can be almost anyone. She can read me like a book. I will open to any page for anyone. Cover to cover. Nothing to hide. Not the fear, the pain, or the hopelessness. It is all there. Large print ; easy to read. Secrets dissolve in tears. Dissipating into honesty, innocence, need. I was lost and now I'm found. I was blind but now I see. Maybe I don't want to. .."



I lost the most important thing, the most important person in my life. I forever hold out for the day she comes back to me, and says hey, lets see each other, lets hang out. I wish I could look at her beautiful eyes, and feel a love like no other has given me.


Until that day, I fade away from everything, and everyone. I am leaving this city, not knowing where I am to go, not having a purpose.


I'm sorry I left you all. I'm sorry that I wasn't strong enough to handle this.


But please, keep me in your hearts, as I will forever keep yours in mine. You're probably all incredibly mad at me, or her, but don't be mad at her. This isn't her fault, nobody can control their feelings. I just wasn't good enough.... This is all my doing.

Someday, When I see some of you, or all of you again.. I will greet you all with Love, because that's all I have to give. Wherever we meet, know that I never stopped thinking about you, no matter what happens.





As Kurt Cobain Said, "It's better to burn out than fade away".

Leaving On A Jet Plane...

So... I don't know what to think. I know I'm hurt. I'm so incredibly hurt.


I know you met someone more than a month ago, you just didn't have the heart to tell me. You don't just start falling for someone like that in a month, the way you are falling/fell for him.


I just know your life is better without me in it.


So here's my goodbye. All that I've been through in the past three months... Has finally broke me.


All that we've been through, it should make us stronger but... you want nothing to do with me since I Love You, and always will.


I never hold a bone in anger towards you, and I'm sorry that confuses you.


You'll never read this, and this is probably the last time I'll ever speak to anyone of the two people that have the link to this journal...



I'm sorry I wasn't good enough, and I couldn't make you happy. But now, is when I'm gone. Someday, maybe I'll come back to the place that was my house, but my home, will always be with you.


I need to go, so I'm going to do so. I'm sorry Linds. I'm sorry to my friends, my family, and everyone I hurt by making this move. Someday, maybe you'll forgive me if I return.

I'm empty inside, all I want/need in this life is my chance, is her. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to deal.

Rejection In It's Hardest Form...

Yanno, I know I've been a basketcase. I know I've had a rough time dealing.


But now... See now... You did betray me. When I needed you around. When I needed you for the tough decisions in my life... you're nowhere to be found.


Let's be friends, you said.


Yet, you make no effort to do so.


When I try to suck it up, when I try to straighten everything out, and just let life go on... you don't even want me in it. Is this the way you want it?


You really do want a life that i'm not in.


I don't honestly know what I did to lose you.

I even tried looking past the fact that to you, I wasn't even good enough to get a fucking try.



But now? You really don't appreciate anything I ever did for you. You don't appreciate anything I continue to do for you. You don't appreciate *me*.



You say you care, you say you want me in your life.



Let's call a spade a spade, you want nothing to do with me.



Wanna know how I feel?


Fucking Worthless.


Thanks for that, thanks for repaying my kindness with cruelty, and not one shred of decency or compassion.

constant craving

as clear as things have become, I feel more confusion on the other end than ever.


I don't know if anything I say ever sinks in, or makes sense, because all I get in return is silence.



All I know is that I wont live my life in fear, and I won't live on what if's. I do what I have to do to get through every bad turn that life throws at me, and I'm still here. I'm still standing.


But the one thing I wish I could have.... is the same life confidence for her.


Life is so, so very short.


At any given moment, it can be taken from us, without a bang, snuffed out like a candle.



How will you feel if life is cut short? Will you be happy with your decisions? or will you feel terrible?



Don't let go of me, and take advantage of what you have NOW, A man who will stand by your side, forever, until the end of his life and beyond.


Or throw me away, and risk losing me forever.


You want me in your life? Start acting like it.

So....

Malignant. And I still don't care one bit... except about her.


Fuck my life.

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