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Crunch Time Journal...

I think this might be it for me here, unless I get some other thoughts and ramblings.

I need to be strong. My health, My Soulmate, My entire life depends on it.

It's now time to grow up.

It's pretty amazing that people can be 25 years old and still feel a certain fear in relationships, whoever the person may be. Or feel a closeness to someone that you feel like you'd lose your life if you lost them.

But now's the time to do it. There is no future for me and her unless I suck it up, and she sucks it up, and we move on.

So this is me... sucking it up.

If you ever get confused, just remember: Everything you may feel, whether it be pain, or self loathing, or an incredible amount of love...

It's all for her. It's all for the end point. This is it. This is really, really it. You suck it up, you grow up, and bottle everything you feel inside. Someday, you'll be able to let it all out, but if, and only if, you bottle it now.

So bottle it I will. Bottle it, I have.

Remember Kiddo. This will all be worth it in the longrun. In the end, she is and always will be your best friend. You needed to remember that. Now the question is... how much do you love her? How much are you willing to suck up, and take? How long are you willing to wait?

I once said forever, and it was no lie.

The man has come out of the boy's shell.

Do it for her.

lots of little things...

There are a ton of ways to explain me. Emotional. Passionate. Fiery. Melodramatic. Over The Top.


The tank is on E.

Everyone wants to be the one to say "things will get better".

"She's Not Worth It"

"You're too nice to deserve this"

"Get Over It"

"Smile, Please"

"Give It Time"

"You'll heal as time passes"

"She'll come back to you, she loves you, she's just scared"

"Everyone goes through this"

I'm sorry folks... I tried climbing out of the hole... but the ground keeps coming loose, and every time I try to climb out again, I end up deeper in the Earth.

All I Want To Do Is Love You, But You Won't Let Me.

That statement isn't exactly true.

Now it's become

All I Need In Life Is For You To Love Me, But You Wont Let Yourself.

I sit in my pit, giving up the climb. I live with this pain forever. My life is changed, until my rescue rope comes.

If it never comes, I sit forever, deep in the Earth... Forgotten.

What a Tangled Web We Weave...

Yeah , I know I said I was chasing.

I got my news. I'm not better. I can't be chasing her down like that, health wise.

So here I stand. Without anything left for myself.

I just want to know one thing.

"As I sit, it replays...
over... and over...
"All I want to do is love you,
and you won't let me."
Every time I think of it
Like a broken record
It doesn't stop
And every time it comes back
I keep falling down
And never quite get back up"

What happened to that? Where did that girl go? The girl that is doing this to me now.... just isnt the same girl. I didnt do anything bad to her. I made my mistakes. She made hers. But There was nothing that couldnt be fixed.

Was I lied to for close to two years?

I don't know. And I'll probably never know.

All I know, again, is that I don't have her, and I probably never will.

Now It's that she wont let me be with her.

All I want in my life, my entire dream... shattered.

I will go down with this ship... the ship we built with love. I will not give up on OUR dream.

Was it a lie? Was everything a fucking lie? Are you just distancing yourself to avoid me, avoid feeling those feelings again?

Am I not worth anything to you, not even as a human being?

Maybe I am truly worthless.

Maybe... just maybe... This is it for me.

I am to remain empty for my entire life, because I do not have her.

I quit.

The Decision Made...

I thought long and hard today. If I'm not better, do I go out with a whimper, or a bang?

I questioned everything I used to be, everything I became when I was with L, and What I am now.

As of Thursday, I will know my tests results. If all goes well, I'm fuckin out of here.

That's right Interweb, I'm going to take my last strike at the girl I want to Marry.

I found that whining, crying, moping, being emo... it gets me nowhere. That's not the man I used to be, and I don't know who that man is.

I once told her I'd never give up, even if she got scared again. I'm keeping my fucking end of the bargain.

Wii and DS are up for sale, have some prospective buyers. Once they're sold, I'm off to Ohio, chasing a dream.

I doubt she'll read this, so I kind of feel safe here.

My plan is to just show up, end of story. Give her a note with my location on it, and to tell her im there for one night, and one night only.

I hope she has enough respect for me to give me some closure, and face me like an adult.

I'm tired of hiding behind phones. I'm tired of emails, im tired of internet relationship.

If at any point this was ever real for her, she needs to respect me, and at least give me an hour of her time.

If I was a rebound, and she is just entirely sick of me, then it is what it is. BUT I NEED TO KNOW.

I'm done being miserable. I'm back to being myself, back to the person I used to be. The guy who stood 12 rounds. The guy who even if he lost the fight, gave his all.

Its do or die time, and if I crash, I intend to make it spectacular. I Love You L. Nothing will change that, and I'm coming not for you, but for my closure, and my mental and emotional health.

All the emo shit aside, this is about Me. Ready Freddie? Crazy Little Thing Called Love.

Inner Pain Coming Out...

I went to the doc today. Found out things are probably not better (I get more info later during the week).

I'm... at a point where I don't know whats going on with me anymore. I used to be so strong.

When L first got scared, I fought tooth and nail to do something about it. I didnt whine, I didnt cry, I fucking stood up like a man, and did what I had to do to keep the one I loved.

This time, it was different. I backed down, I enabled her fear of things. I whimpered, and hid in my shell.

I read some emails from way back when, and I realized.... did I really change?

The answer is No.

I just forgot that I was that strong.

I need to do everything that I can to get her over her fears, just as I myself am trying to get over my own.

My sickness is a sign... that I need to grab today, not just watch it go by.

She hasn't called me. She's probably lost all feeling for me by now. But I need to try. I need to stand up, and go for it. Not with tears, or fear, but determination, and pride, and strength.

Here I come world, ready or not.


I watched the new year go by outside an office building...

The bells from the Church across the street rang out, telling of a new year of hope, of love, and of life.

I looked up at the sky, and said "Happy New Year, I Love You Lindsay" thinking that maybe she might hear me. She might feel me.

I hoped that watching New York City celebrate on television might give her a sign... that she missed me, and she wanted to be with me.

I boxed all my feelings in a tiny little holder, not even close to big enough to hold it all. The feelings push at the top, trying to explode into a beautiful symphony of colored papers, like a snowstorm that in its insanity, is still so gorgeous.

I bury it all, to be there for her, to be strong, to finally become a man. Because that is what a man does, no matter how much he hurts, he sucks it all up, for something better. This is the man I must become, all for her.

Sickness has a common theme of making you realize what things are worth in life. They give you a true perspective about what's important, and what means the most to you.

No matter how many times I said it to her, or myself, This sickness has made me realize something.

At one point, we both said to each other that it felt like we were missing pieces before we met each other. That we were just a jumbled, mixed up puzzle.

But when we came into knowing each other, we both felt that we were complete. Whole. A Unit formed into one perfect being.

Someday, I hope to show her that she does still love me, or that she can love me again.

Until that day, my feelings remain here... inside this little journal, on a minuscule nook of the internet, forgotten or never known.

Until then, I remain a percentage of what I was when I was with her.


What do you do when you just don't have the strength anymore?

I'm trying to be a good man... I'm trying to give her her space... and every waking moment, I want to call her, just to hear her voice.

I don't wanna guilt trip her... but I'm sick. I know that she doesn't know, as I haven't told her.

With my complexes and fears about surgery and death... what happens if I die... and I can't tell her how much I Love her?

Life is way too short... and I don't have her. The one thing I want in life.

She needs space, and I know this, and in my guts.... I believe she will come back. I truly believe she'll give me another chance. But my heart hurts still... because I'm not with her.

Why am I not good enough? Please.. God... whoever... whatever... I need my answers.... Why am I so terrible that I couldn't have her..... why can't I have another chance at trying to make this right..... I can barely read this right now, I'm crying my eyes out...

I just don't have the strength... I'm pathetic. I'm so fucking pathetic. I'm not a man.

I will try to be strong, to be her friend. But, the strength is out of me. I have nothing. She was, and is, my entire life. And I will wait forever for her. I Love Her So Much. So fucking much.

What do I have to do to get another chance? What do I have to do to prove that I am good enough?

I'm so fucking pathetic.


Christmas.. I can't even call you or text you to say merry christmas. That's how scared I am.

You've probably forgotten about me already. I can understand that. I wasn't worth it. I wasn't good enough.

You'll always be worth it to me. Always. No Matter What.

I will ALWAYS Love you.

Please don't give up on me.... please.

I'm Begging you.

Head Over Feet...

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
And don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Save You...

Gonna save you fucker,....not gonna lose you
Feeling cocky and strong,.. can't let you go,...
Too important to me

Too important to us,... we'd be lost without you
Baby, let yourself fall,... I'm right below you now

And fuck me if I say something you don't wanna hear fuck me
And fuck if you only hear what you wanna hear
Fuck me if I care,... but I'm not leaving here

You helped me when I was down,... I'll help when you're down
Why are you hitting yourself,... c'mon hit me instead

Let's pick up your will,... it's grown fat and lazy
I'm sympathetic as well,... don't go on me now

And I'm not living this life without you, I'm selfish and clear
And you're not leaving here without me, I don't wanna be without
My best friend,... wake up to see you could have it all, all

Cause there is but you,... something within you
It's taken control,.. let's beat it, get up let's go

Oh you're in your own world, let's see the whole world
Let's pick up your soul

fuck me if I say something you don't wanna hear fuck me
And fuck me if you only hear the treble in your head
Please help,... me,... to help you,... help yourself

Help me help yourself,... please want me to,... please let me to

Help you



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October 2010