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October 6th, 2010

To My Annabel Lee.

I sit in my brothers house, and for some reason, it's hardest here. I think of those silly times, sleeping on an air mattress two sizes two small for just me, and how you and I would just deal with it, because we were together, and nothing mattered when that was the case.

I think a huge part of me... is past everything. A lot of me, understands that I wasn't a problem. it wasn't my fault. I wasn't the reason you left me. You met someone, and got scared to tell me, so you thought it best to go the way you did, and try to avoid the heartbreak.

But I think the one thing you will never quite grasp... the one thing that you have no iota of knowledge about... is that I'm still here. I think... in a lot of ways, you met another man... and you're happy with him. I don't even know if you're still with him, or whatever. I don't know if you're married, pregnant, or completely forgot about me. One thing I know for sure is, you do not think of me as I do of you, every single day of my life.
However... I think a lot of it had to do with punishing yourself. And I do think... you don't realize how much you punished me.

Through these months.... I've gone through a lot of emotions. I've felt the hate, and the fear, and the emptiness that comes along with every single bit of losing you. I've felt joy and sorrow, I've met other girls, I've seen other instances of my life turn into things that were beyond my comprehension of what "happy" truly could mean.

But through all of this... through the hating of myself, and finding myself again... one thing remains constant. I still love you.

Many people have told me, it will never end. That until the day I die, I will always be in love with you. The day I meet another woman, and get married and have a family, I will still be in love with you. The day I breathe my last breath on this earth... I will still be in love with you.

I don't know exactly how I will live with this. But I do know, I will live. And I do know, if the day ever comes where you decide to walk back into my life, and give me the honor, and privilege of loving you, forever my beautiful wife, again, that all of this will have been worth it.

And if in fact that day never comes. If I spend the rest of my life, without another word from your beautiful voice.... Or get to hear your contagious laugh... or stare at your beautiful eyes...

It will still be a life well lived.

Because for myself... I met my soulmate. I met the girl, that meant everything in the world to me, and meant life itself. To me, my life already ended on December 16th, 2009. But the life lived up to that point, was the most beautiful thing I had ever experienced.

I will always and forever love you, Lindsay Dallas Gareau.

Never, ever forget that.



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